THREE MONTHS HOME

This weekend we took the girls into the nursery again for church service, and like all the other times Jessa has gone in happily with Hollyn by her side. In fact, it has always suprised us somewhat to see her separate from us so joyfully. The first time we checked her in we thought for sure she wouldn't be able to last the whole time in there, we were wrong. She didn't seem to have a care in the world. The other times were much the same always proving us wrong. For most parents, they would be ecstatic that their child made it through the whole service so they could just relax and listen to the sermon. But, for us, this was actually devasting. Attaching in adoption means your child understands that you are their parent - they want you to comfort them, they want you to nurture them, they want you to hold them and love them. Jessa didn't want us. She didn't want our love. She was refusing for us to comfort her. It was almost like she didn't really care that we were leaving her. I would sit through the service staring at the little black electronic box where they flash up the family number if the workers are unable to console your child for you to go back and get them. The last time our family number flashed up there Hayden was about 9 months old and I had forgotten to bring his binky to church that night. I still remember walking back to the children's hallway and seeing my good friend Linda holding him in her arms and trying to comfort him. Silly mommy! So today as we finished singing worship songs and began to settle in for our pastor's message, I glanced up again at the black box when suddenly in BIG RED DIGITS are number went up behind his head! I looked at David and he looked at me and we both said together, "That's Our Number!" I gathered my things and started walking to the girls' nursery room when I began to wonder if they were calling me for Hollyn. She had been having some anxiety ever since we returned from China. It was so hard on her for us to leave her for two weeks. I had almost convinced myself that it was Hollyn who needed me when I turned the corner and saw Jessa sitting there, crying fiercely, and calling out my name, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" My heart stopped. For the first time in a very long time, she needed me. She was actually calling out my name. She wanted me! The first day in China when I scooped her up into my arms she cried for her "Nai Nai" relentlessly with a fierce devoted cry that made our hearts break. Today she was crying out with that same heart-wrenching sobbing only this time she was calling out my name, "Mama! Mama!."

Such sweet words! As I took her in my arms and held her close, she clung to me with an iron grip. She let me comfort her, and whisper softly to her that I'm here, I love you, and Mama came back. Even when she had calmed down, she wouldn't let go of me. She kept holding on. And, she wanted me to hold her. She finally let herself feel loved and safe in my embrace. I can't tell you what that felt like. The last three months have been truly difficult for both of us. She not wanting to attach to me, and me having so many feelings of guilt for taking her away from the only family she knew and the one lady who had loved her since she was born. Her foster grandmother. Those feelings of instant love and bonding didn't come to us the way they do with other families. God has slowly been growing her love for us. She has giving us opportunities to love her and then in the same day taken all of that back again. To have a child in your home who you know is yours, but who doesn't want you and actually rejects you is so very hard, and for them to finally come to a place of attaching and needing you - well, it is like the BEST GIFT in the world. It fills you up inside with the realization that this precious child LOVES you! As we buckled the girls into their carseats to leave church, I looked over at David and said, "I still can't believe she wanted me." He smiled at me, then with tears in his eyes and reaching out his hand to hold mine said, "This is the BEST day honey! I've been praying for you and for her and for this day for such a LONG time!" I am so thankful for friends who are willing to step into my hurting and pain and without lecturing or influencing - they simply listen and become a healing presence. I am so thankful for my dear friend who spent an entire evening until 1 AM listening and encouraging me! I'm so thankful for all the wonderful ideas she gave us and I pray they help Jessa to cope with the loss she feels. God has been working these last three months that we have had Jessa home.

It has not always been easy, it has been very hard, and some days it has felt completely impossible. Without your prayers and support, I just don't think we could have made it through. After reading all the books and talking with so many adoptive families, one thing is perfectly clear - you just don't know YOUR child's emotional needs until you have them home. Every single adoption is different. Every family's journey is different, and no book can give you the answers to when your child will love you. The one common theme is TIME. Jessa has been home 3 months today. Every single minute of every single day of each of those months she has been processing the changes that have happened to her. She is so, so very smart and has an incredible memory. The experts tell us that while this is wonderful, it is also what is keeping her from fully accepting us because she remembers so much of what is missing in her life - her foster grandmother and China. Whatever time we thought it would take for her to heal, we have to multiply that by 10. She was not in an orphanage. She was in a foster family and she was completely loved by a woman who she knew as"Nai Nai" but she loved as Mommy. These differences are huge in our adoption experience. They make us so thankful for the year and half she lived in China that she was indeed being loved and cared for as a member of their family, but they also make the transition into our family all the more painful for her. She is slowly learning to trust in us and our ability to love her unconditionally. It reminds me so much of the way we come into God's family. He adopts us as his very own children and yet before we allow him to love us - it seems we all go through a time of trying to do everything on our own. Searching for answers and reasons to be fulfilled not realizing that He alone holds our purpose. And all that time as we struggle with our aloneness we want so desperately to be loved not understanding that He is right there - waiting on us to come home with His arms wide open ready to embrace us - if only we would just surrender and allow Him to love us. God is patient, long-suffering, kind and gentle and His love is so encompassing for each of us.

Right now we are striving to be Jesus to Jessa and to show her God's love is forever just like our love is forever. A dear friend gave us the advice to pray over Jessa and give all of the turmoil and chaos she feels to Him. We prayed and prayed and we are so excited to report that she has finally went to sleep for a week without crying! Praise His Name! We are also so excited to see her begin to get excited about waking up and spending the day with us. She is slowly understanding that this is home after three months. She understands directions and helps me do things other her children her age just wouldn't have a clue about. She LOVES helping because she LOVES praise! She lights up to our praise and "thank yous"! She is starting to remember songs and loves singing "HEY!" and throwing her arms in the air when we sing "Jingle Bells...jingle all the way! Hey!"

She loves to give kisses and hugs. This is her pucker up look! LOL! She also likes it when I sing to her "Silent Night" and she always claps at the end. She is the ONLY person in the ENTIRE world who would clap at the end of my singing! LOL! I would never want to wish time away, but truly, for her sake and ours, I can't wait for the next three months to see all that God heals and all the awesome changes in her bonding/attaching. Please keep praying! God is on the move!